More Lies

12.16.07 (7:59 pm)   [edit]

More Lies

I'm really stressed out.  That was an understatement, but there just aren't words to express just how worn out, stretched thin, and downright angry I am.  I've been working really hard since I moved at the end of May.  I (with some help from my mom) scraped all of the paint off our living room walls, then primed and painted the room (which is pretty large).  I unpacked most of the household by myself.  I enrolled in school in July and sat in a classroom as a student for the first time since 1994.  I helped the kids settle in, got them enrolled in school and took them to all of the orientation meetings so they'd feel comfortable.  I traveled back and forth to Sioux City in order to fulfill my obligations and tie up any loose ends that didn't get taken care of in the move.  I went to marriage counseling with my husband, only to find out he was having an affair and planning to divorce me the entire time he was assuring me he was fully committed to making our marriage work.  I endured countless verbal attacks from him on my character, appearance, mental health, and general failure as a human being.  All the while, I (for the most part) held my tongue and avoided retaliating with all of the hurtful, yet unproductive, things I was thinking.  I've missed my friends terribly.  I've been in an untenable position as far as making new friends and trying to settle in.  Nonetheless, I've been there for my kids and maintained a 4.0 GPA.  I've been on time to classes, gotten the kids where they need to be, worked with my son to get him to improve his grades, and tried so very hard to be a good mother.  There for awhile, I put everything I had into trying to be a good wife, too.  All to no avail.

Now, I have tuition due.  I have to get new tires for my van.  I have to do some Christmas shopping for the family my husband "adopte d" through work.  I have to take my kids shopping to get him Christmas gifts.  I have to stock up on some basic necessities at home.  Once all that is done, "our" joint checking account should be at $0.  Meanwhile, my husband keeps spending money indiscriminately out of that account, despite the fact that he has a separate account with a big fat balance in it.  I am a woman of extravagant taste, but I rarely indulge it.  I feel like I'm a typical mother - kids first.  We have no credit card debt.  I have no car payment.  Not a whole lot in savings, but no huge mounting debts.  Just the recent student loans I've taken out - which were to have been paid for by the job I'd qualify for once I get my nurse's license.

I spoke with my husband this evening about his bonus.  I asked him why he'd tell me one thing and do another.  His answer?  He was advised to by his lawyer because it's the ONLY leverage he has.  I asked him what he thought he needed leverage for.  I'm not fighting the divorce.  I want it.  I've had ENOUGH.  I tried with everything I had and it wasn't enough.  I want to be part of a healthy relationship.  I think I have a shot at something really special and I'd like to pursue it.  I don't feel like the injured party.  We both made a lot of mistakes and there are just some things that, once said, can't be taken back or erased.  I don't want to rely on him for anything.  Once I'm done with school, I don't believe I'll have to, even though he'll still be obligated to pay child support.  All I want is to finish the job I started of raising our kids.  I love them with all my heart and I want the best for them. 

That having been said, my first instict after my conversation this evening is to go for the jugular.  I started questioning my husband about the lawyer.  I asked questions so quickly that he got confused and couldn't make up lies fast enough to cover his ass.  See, I was told that in Iowa, it's illegal and unethical for a lawyer to represent both parties in a divorce.  Several people questioned this to the point that I was beginning to doubt what I heard - especially when my husband told me we could share an attorney.  What I learned tonight is that I was given correct information.  Through the course of the conversation, my husband tried to tell me he'd transferred all of his bonus money based on the advise he'd received from HIS attorney.  I said, "I thought we were sharing an attorney".  Then, he said technically the lawyer is only allowed to represent one of us.  If that's the case, then the lawyer is representing him and I'd be going into this unrepresented.  When I asked him, he said, "The lawyer said he could handle all of the paperwork."  But the truth is as I said it?  His answer? "I guess you could see it that way."  Yes, I could see it that way - because it's the TRUTH.  When he realized he was caught, he said "I don't know what I'm doing.  I've never done this before."  I got a little mouthy at that point.  I said, "You don't know how to tell the truth?  If you'd changed your mind, why couldn't you just be honest with me?"  He decided the conversation was over.  He told me he didn't like where I was headed with it and he was hanging up.  The delicious irony in all of this?  He has been through it before.  I'm not his first wife. 


posted by: auntconi (reply)
post date: 12.16.07 (9:19 pm)

I have one question ~
Why is it your duty to purchase the gifts for the 'adopted family from your husband's job?' ~ even if it is to come from 'joint account' when he has been depleting it and has his own stash. It is his job, and he should be required to purchase said gift(s) ~ or not! If you are divorcing you are not expected to attend an office party are you with him?

Oh well, guess this was more than one question.
I'll go back into my corner now ~ I've got a stash of chocolate chip cookies? Want some?

((hugs))



posted by: PirateGirl (reply)
post date: 12.19.07 (8:28 am)

Yep - time you get your own lawyer! - and then have your lawyer call "his lawyer" and ask wtf! - Is this "lawyer" really telling him they can represent both of you or not?? - And if that is not what "his lawyer" has told him - then maybe "his lawyer" needs to know what he is telling you! ( "his lawyer" just might be inclined to drop him like a hot potato when they find out from another LAWYER, exactly what he is telling you!

- and yeah.....why ARE you expected to pay for this other family??..I know YOU are a woman of your word, and you are most likely thinking of those other children,(we already know he is only thinking of himself), who will be counting on him to contribute to their holiday - and that he will surely dissapoint them, and why should they suffer - but...."he" should be taking care of that now....and yes, call him and let him know so! - oh, and while you're at it, you could call his office and explain that you would have been shopping for said adopted family, but with your seperation and divorce being underway, that "he" will be taking care of it now instead - in fact - on second thought - call his office/boss, first, and THEN call him to let him know that you have already called hisoffice to let them know that "he" will be taking care of it, and not you, due to the circumstances.

*(rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)*
(...I might have some SPIKED cookies around here somewhere....) ;)


posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 01.04.08 (9:58 pm)

I realize this post is a few weeks old now, but I hope you have found an attorney by now. They will guide you properly.

I've been thru this as have several friends. Some quick tips- simple things you can do to protect yourself and your kids, and they don't have to be done out of anger or with intent to hurt :)

Do not trust what your husband says about the settlement. He's no longer your advisor as he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

His bonus isn't the only "leverage" - you're entitled to half of any monies put into a retirement fund during the time you were married. Get your hands on (while you're his wife) any information from his place of business about his 401k plan.

You can hire a detective (attorney can better advise) to track via his social security any hidden accounts.

But #1 importance - get an account in your name ONLY and use it to pay your bills. As soon as money goes into that joint account, transfer what you need into your new account. This way, he can't spend what you need.

Build a support network with others who have gone through a divorce - preferably a positive, nurturing environment. In person or online, it will help to have friendly and understanding shoulders to lean on.

Hope that helps a bit!


posted by: bronwynj (reply)
post date: 02.29.08 (8:58 pm)

I second what almsthvn said.

You can't trust anything your estranged husband tells you. He is acting out of his own interests, not yours. Don't be 'sucked in' by what he says, either. Look at his actions, eg what he pays, what he neglects to pay, eg bills in joint names, for house & car, etc.

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