Syrupy Sweet
"I feel blessed" or "Blessed by God"
I've been to lots of Christian retreats & conferences and heard plenty of people speak like that. They're usually dressed impeccably in finely tailored clothing, complete with costly accessories. You know the ones - not a hair out of place and make-up expertly applied (even the men). According to Jill Conner Browne, author of the Sweet Potato Queens, women should always be wary of men who are higher maintenance than they are and I think there might be something to that. Either way, those phrases have always struck me wrong - mostly because they paint for me an unrealistic "sunshine and rainbows" image of life as a Christian. They make me feel a little queasy.
At first, I thought I was the problem. I didn't go through my days thinking about all of the blessings from heaven. I didn't see signs from God in every little detail of my life. I thought maybe my faith wasn't genuine - that I wasn't as good a Christian as the people who stood up and spoke at these conferences. Not only that, but I felt rotten because I didn't nod my head and smile at all of the appropriate times. I didn't have the same rapturous glow on my face that I saw on the faces around me. I just wasn't feeling it. As a result, I vowed to stop going on those crazy weekend retreats. Why should I put myself throught the hell of those periodic reminders that I just didn't measure up?
Surprisingly enough, my life didn't end when I opted to stay home. In fact, somewhere along the line, I learned a thing or two about my own personal faith. My life hasn't ever been what I'd describe as smooth sailing. There have been periods of time where routine took over, but I never really felt content or at peace. It seemed like there was always a crisis around the next bend. Granted, I did live with the male version of a drama queen, but I also allowed circumstances to dictate my mood from day to day. I still fall into that trap on occasion, but it's getting better. One thing I've learned is that there are as many different expression s of faith as there are different kinds of people.
My faith comes from my own set of experiences, which have been largely tumultuous. As a result, the faith I claim is a scrappy sort of pull-yourself-up-by-the-b ootstraps kind of thing. I'm a survivor. I've had to be. There's no shame in that, nor should there be. I've lived through some tough stuff and I've come out stronger for it. Early on, I could see that I had choices. I could do what was expected of me - follow in my parents' footsteps and make the same mistakes with the same results. My parents weren't looking out for my best interests most of the time because they were busy dealing with the consequences of their own choices. They simply didn't have the time, energy, or insight to teach me to make better choices. Despite that, I learned a tremendous amount from them - about what NOT to do. It wasn't enough, though, as evidenced by how my marriage has turned out.
It wasn't enough to know that I shouldn't pick a dead-beat drunk as a spouse. I really needed to be taught how to determine what I value and how to make choices that reflect those personal values. The same goes for parenting. Knowing that I shouldn't abuse or neglect my children was good, but it's only a start. There's so much more to it - demonstrat ing love, managing my anger, learning how to pick my battles, setting priorities, being able to accept that I won't always like my kids and they won't always like me. All of this to say that I've worked hard to learn better so I could do better. Along the way, I can point to people who have been a positive influence on my life - most of whom I met in church. Everyday heroes who live out their faith instead of beating people over the head with it.
These people taught me how to care for others, show generosity, kindness, and compassion. They've taught me that doing the right thing simply because it's the right thing has its own rewards (all things they learned from the Bible, incidentally). I'm not talking about the crowns you store up in heaven, either. I'm talking about feeling good knowing that you've made a choice to do what's right. Sometimes it's easy, and sometimes not. It's easy when you have a surplus and someone asks you for a donation. It's not so easy when you're struggling financially and someone gives you too much change back. You know the store will never miss it and that it could make a big difference for you, but you choose to do the right thing. It's a funny thing, though. Those things have a way of coming back around.
Some people call it Karma and some people call it God's blessings. Either way, doing the right thing gives you a good feeling that far outweighs the sacrifice. Mystery man and I were talking about this yesterday - how that good feeling can also be a source of guilt. You make choices in life to help out other people and you end up feeling so good about it that it seems selfish and you begin to question your own motives. Did I really do that because I'm kind, or did I do it so I'd feel good? I believe people are selfish by nature, but I don't believe it renders them incapable of generosity and kindness for its own sake. In the same vein, I don't believe anyone should experience guilt over feeling good for doing good.
God loves us. He tells us to love Him and love others. When I love someone, I want good things for them. I do things to make their lives easier, happier, and more fun. I may not be able to fix everything, but even a small gesture can make a huge difference. Why wouldn't God work the same way? Is it so strange that He would want to give us encouragement when we're going through difficult times or "bless" us when we're on the right track? I still don't look for signs and wonders in every tiny detail of my life, but sometimes I'll take notice of something beautiful and it gives me hope, even in the midst of miserable circumstances. Is God speaking to me? I don't know. All I do know is that those "blessing s", if I choose to call them that, give me just a little more endurance. They soften my heart so that I'm less harsh with others. They make me feel loved and they make me want to love others. I don't remember reading anything in the Bible about how my life would be smooth sailing - quite the opposite. John 16:33 says, "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." & nbsp;